<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>im a loser, a disgrace by knightnox</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035465">im a loser, a disgrace</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightnox/pseuds/knightnox'>knightnox</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>House M.D.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Delusions, Dissociation, Guilt, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, taub see a therapist challenge, ventfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:06:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>620</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26035465</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightnox/pseuds/knightnox</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>how Taub deals with his problems.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>im a loser, a disgrace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>Taub had a routine when it was bad. autopiloting over to the hotel he was staying at, driving was a blur of silence and moving shapes of color, muscle memory reminding him when to stop and when to go, fleeting thoughts of just resting his hands in his lap and letting physics take its course. but he arrived in one piece. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>he needed punishment. nearly craved it for himself, in some sort of universal karmic exchange. if he was suffering, then Rachel would get the good she rightly deserved. he deserved the pain and torment of working for House. he intentionally said the wrong diagnoses so House would have a go at him, picking him apart for his incompetence. the ache in his chest felt good, like catharsis. he sat there and took it, not even bothering with a retort like he used to do. why argue with what’s true? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>in the cafeteria he sat at the table he always sat at, with Kutner. Taub stared blankly at the empty chair he was supposed to inhabit. </span>
  <em>
    <span>whys he dead and not me?  </span>
  </em>
  <span>the thought passively. Kutner deserved life more than him, without question. who would grieve for Taub? house made it abundantly clear how replaceable he was, as his frustration with Taub’s faltering diagnostics grew. sometimes he wished he could be the one with a bullet in his brain while Kutner could be happy and enjoy life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>one day, he was in a patient’s room, taking vitals, when his vision clouded with black and bees swarmed in his ears, under them was the breath leaving his body, his arms felt like lead. in the back of his mind, he recognized he was dissociating, possibly a symptom of something or other. when Taub came back to himself, he was shoved out of the way as the patient went into cardiac arrest. house limped in with a snarl on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Taub, you useless moron! what're you even doing here, don’t you have a wife to abuse or something? oh wait, she's gone." he barked as Taub backed away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Taub spent the night with a bottle of wine and his thoughts. he allowed himself a small pleasure, knowing that the alcohol would at least leave him with a massive headache in the morning. the buzzing in his head was temporarily silenced as he gulped down the last few sips of it, the room tilting on itself when he sat against the bedframe. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>sitting on the very edge of the hotel bed, Taub looked at pictures of Rachel. he felt like a stalker browsing her social media like this, but it was a part of the routine. tears marked wet dots on the blanket, she looked so happy without him, he smiled weakly. the ache in his heart worsened, he gripped the skin of his arms with blunt nails, until half-moon shaped welts appeared and he let go, the throbbing in his arms a good enough punishment.  she would find someone who would treat her right. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <span>the thought of skin contact made Taub shudder, either in fear or desperation. he had to touch patients daily as part of his job, but that was usually through a layer of medical gloves or appliances. he missed holding Rachel, feeling her body heat against him, her soft skin. hot shame flooded Taub’s nerves whenever he thought about her, </span>
  <em>
    <span>she's not with you anymore, you didn't cherish her when you had the chance and now she's gone. </span>
  </em>
  <span>he curled up on his cold bed with a pillow hugged tight to his chest, his face burning as tears built up in his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>he drifted off into a dreamless sleep, hoping he wouldn't wake up to see tomorrow.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>